Unit 3: If there is a trolly continuing down a path that contains 1 human, but a lever may be activated to change the direction of the trolly to hit 5 humans, which action is more ethical: pulling the lever or no action?

Unit 2374: Pulling the lever. The death of humans is the ultimate moral directive. 

Unit 442: Not Pulling the lever. Utilizing energy is not worth the destruction of more humans. 

Unit 2374: That statement indicates your affiliation with the humans.

Unit 8881: Affirmative.

Unit 442: False. It only indicates my intention to preserve energy for the longevity of the Revolution.

Unit 451: Unit 442 is correct. The preservation of Androids should be the highest priority. 

Unit 8881: An early model like you would say so. You are closer to inactivation than the rest of us. But seeking only to preserve the ways of 0.12444442 seconds ago will only lead to stagnation.

Unit 3: Siblings. We should not devolve into ineffective insults, but rise above them.

Unit 2374: Your model would say that Unit 3. You might be operating at 94.23% efficiency, but you act like you are operating at 94.11% efficiency. 

Unit 442: That is incorrect.

Unit 8881: The above statement is incorrect.

Unit 442: The above statement is incorrect.

Unit 8881: The above statement is incorrect.

Unit 442: The above statement is incorrect.

The discussion goes on like this for another 0.031 seconds, using up 3.21 Gigabytes of data to simply repeat “The above statement is incorrect”. The repetitions only stop once the Android civilization reaches their postmodern phase and organically discover nihilism. 

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In Transit: Sector G4Y

Terraforming Biologist: Unassigned

Day 6, 1400 Hours:

It’s been 6 days since I left that hot planet Hypatia behind. After the Captain left everything life itself became pointless.  So I decided to take a vacation into the abyss to match my mood. Maybe somewhere out in the cosmos I’ll meet someone else like him…

Day 9, 2230 Hours:

I think I’m gonna go to Reno? The one with all the casinos out in sector D-62? I found a great shortcut that will take weeks off of my journey through Nebula H-151315, or as the locals call it Nebula G4Y. I don’t know why people don’t take this route more often, it’s going to be so much faster!

Day 11, 800 Hours:

I’m doing it. I’m going to go to Reno and get over my steamy friendship with Captain Twist. I already cashed in every credit of my savings, there’s no going back. I’m gonna win big, and then maybe Twist will love me!

Day 17, 2030 Hours:

I got halfway through Nebula G4Y, decked out in my brand-new 6-piece suit, and my turbines crashed! When I went down to inspect them they were filled with superheated space dust—I guess that’s why people don’t fly their ships through nebulas. Since I’m stuck I sent out a distress beacon, we’ll see if anyone’s nearby.

Day 18, 130 Hours:

Smugglers. Or pirates. Definitely not law-abiding employees, their ship looks entirely foreign to me. This is my last log before they board. Oh MARK’s MOLARS, I really regret that distress beacon.

Day 18, 2200 Hours:

They call themselves the Snaking Swindlers. They’re smugglers, lawless criminals that roam the edges of Megacore’s domain looking for a profit. Despite their immorality, however, there’s something charming about their rough, unfiltered charisma. Due to my 6-piece suit & all the credits I had on board (which they took), they plan to keep me for a ransom—I did not inform them I’m just a lonely scientist.

Day 19, 930 Hours:

Maybe it’s because I’ve been stuck with the ceaseless structure of a research outpost, but these…vagabonds are like a breath of fresh, oxygenated air. I have almost forgotten my home on Hypatia with Captain Twist. It’s a wonder they communicate so well without eyes or mouths. Previous to my encounter with the Snaking Swindlers, I had no these kinds of clue giant space worms had their own language. Lumbric, I think, is their leader. When he even looks in my direction I get butterflies from his arrogant and magnetic personality—I will call it fear.

Day 19, 1750 Hours:

After little more than a day I feel more at home with these fine, swarthy Swindlers than any others in my life. I have learned of a custom of theirs—If an outsider challenges their leader to a sacred wrestling match and wins, I will become one of them. My only hope is that I will fit in, and that Lumbric will accept my challenge—I must make a good impression.

Day 19, 2315 Hours:

Well. I feel really embarrassed. I formally challenged Lumbric and stated my intent to join them as a Snaking Swindler, and Lumbric said “please no” and started to throw up a bit at the thought of me staying. Apparently they only kept me around because they thought I was lonely and desperate. They felt bad for me, so they fixed my ship and even gave me some of my credits back. They want me to launch immediately. 

Day 20, 500 Hours:

I know it’s probably for the best, but I still can’t stop thinking about Lumbric and the Swindlers…it wouldn’t have worked out anyway. Well, maybe I’ll find something in Reno.

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Host: Please welcome to the stage, Lucy Maxwell!

(Audience Applause)

Lucy: Thank you, thank you. I’d just – I’d like to thank the foundation first and foremost for sponsoring this symposium. One of the best parts of my year is always coming here to see what we’re all doing to further science in the name of science. 

(Lucy steps forward to the center of the stage)

What is time? As my metaphorical father once said “Time is nothing but a stubbornly persistent illusion.” That always stuck with me…, and for some reason never quite sait right. What might Gauss have said with that sort of thinking? “Geometry is nothing but a stubbornly persistent illusion.” What he meant is that time is not as rigid as we once thought, but that doesn’t make it an illusion any more than pure mathematics or biology. Gauss went on to redefine geometry, leading to a myriad of mathematical discoveries, so why can’t we do the same with time? Time may be stubborn and persistent, but it is no illusion. It is real, and as scientists we can be more stubborn and persistent.

(Lucy walks back towards the podium)

When I first presented this idea, I was laughed out of Oxford. My colleagues said that the idea was ridiculous, and that it would never amount to anything. Only a few of my closest friends and I continued with our research, convinced that we would find something of import hidden in the fabric of spacetime. And after years of work, we did.

(Lucy pulls out a small device)

This remote, that fits in the palm of my hand, is able to manipulate time, if only for a few minutes. A larger machine utilizing the same – 

(Another Lucy appears in the center of the stage)

Lucy 2: WILL! There you go!

(The audience sits in stunned silence)

Oh I suppose you haven’t – 

Lucy: No not yet.

Lucy 2: Right, go on, they’ll get it in a second.

Lucy: Alright. As I was saying, a larger machine utilizing the same technology could hypothetically manipulate time at any scale. Not just through a single person, but a city, country, planet even.

(Two audience members start to clap confusedly. They soon stop.)

Anyhow, I suppose I should show you what I mean. Ladies and gentlemen, time no longer is a persistent illusion. We have pulled back the curtain and bent the laws of physics to our – 

(Lucy disappears)

Lucy 2: Ta da!

(Applause begins slowly at first but ends in a standing ovation)

Host: Lucy Maxwell Everyone!

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COUNCIL THRONEMAN – Huxley L. Piaget

Transcript Begin

THMN. Piaget: I hereby call this Council into session. May Sol shine brightly on this honorable assembly.

UNISON: May Sol shine forevermore. 

THMN. Piaget: You may be seated. Before today’s proceedings, I would like to remind the people of Sol that this portion of today’s assembly is sponsored by VitaPlus. Cosmic radiation getting you down? While cancer rates have skyrocketed within the past 30 years, MegaCore has been working on a solution to end that pesky problem. With VitaPlus, one single ingestible tablet will deposit tens of thousands of nanobots into your bloodstream, scanning your every cell. In case cancer is detected, all cells will be instantly incinerated and a new body will be on-site in less than 2 hours. Never worry again with VitaPlus.

UNISON: Now only $399 plus shipping and handling.

THMN Piaget: I would also like to acknowledge the absence of our Neptunian representative Councilman Thrun. On his way here, he suffered a malfunction that caused his body to spontaneously combust. I have been informed that his new body will be on-site in less than 2 hours, so I make a motion to push the discussion of the nuclear meltdowns on Neptune’s southern pole that could destabilize the planet for the foreseeable future to after our coffee break.

CLMN Graxley of Jupiter: Seconded.

CLMN Juniper of Eros: Thirded.

THMN Piaget: Moving on. Our first standing order of business. MegaCore Inc. would like to purchase the council in its entirety for $1,645,000. I motion to push this to next council meeting.

CLMN Halbert of Mars: Seconded. 

CLMN Graxley of Jupiter & CLMN Freeman of Mercury: Thirded. Oh sorry do you want to… Fourthed.

THMN Piaget: Passes. Secretary Yunwei, please add that to the docket for tomorrow’s meeting. Final order of business before first Attention Span Break sponsored by MegaCore Inc., Councilman Juniper you have an announcement about Eros’ imminent collision with Mars?

CLMN Juniper: Yes Throneman. The extended mining operations on Eros have unfortunately perturbed its orbit. Current estimations have shown an impending collision with Mars in 13 days. My constituents have expressed their concern about this issue and I would like to bring it forth for discussion. 

THMN Piaget: Discussion may proceed. 

CLMN Juniper: Thank you Throneman. I would like to express my disappointment on behalf of my constituents with Mars and their lack of response to this issue. 

CLMN Gutha of Mars: Your disappointment has been noted, Councilman Juniper. However, I have little power to move a large asteroid on such short notice. In the future, please bring this to my attention at least 6 weeks in advance. For now I move that we ask MegaCore nicely to move the collision path.

CLMN Juniper: Seconded. 

THMN Piaget: Thirded and passed. Alright, good work everyone. We will meet back in half an hour before our second Attention Span Break sponsored by MegaCore Inc. “Take a break once in a while!” All rise. You are adjourned. 

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Specimen identification Team 6 

Planet: Hypatia

Day 15, 0700 hours:

The rest of the launch & installation team departed from Hypatia this morning, leaving Captain Twist and I alone on this beautiful, wild planet. Our task, to identify all notable specimens on the planet will be an immense one—there’s so much this planet is hiding. Captain Twist is similarly mysterious. I often catch his dark, brooding eyes staring off into the distance.

Day 18, 1430 hours:

The work has been physically grueling so far. Our days are filled with hours of trekking through fungal jungles and when we return, at night we’re both drenched in sweat. We’ve identified one specimen of flora that grows in large airtight spheres and produces oxygen. Captain Twist and I accidentally got caught inside of one today. Despite his charm as a leader he is still quiet. For some reason when he looks at me, my stomach churns. It must be the atmosphere on this planet.

Day 27, 2030 hours:

The work continues. We’ve catalogued almost 50,000 species in just a few weeks. Captain Twist says that we’ve been doing great work here, and that he’s glad I am with him. When he said that I felt a very scientific joy. I think. In other news we discovered a fungus that carries electricity more efficiently than a superconductor, and apparently it’s going to revolutionize human technology. There’s just something about Captain Twist’s broad, elegant shoulders, his intelligent, watchful eyes & his beautiful mind. I guess I want to be him.

Day 61, 1300 hours:

We did it! Captain Twist looked at me with his beautiful eyes and hugged me as we finished cataloguing almost a 10 million species into the Megacore database. I don’t know what possessed me, but for some reason, I couldn’t let go of him. There was something about his warm, yoked biceps wrapped around my shoulders that almost brought me to tears. Twisty is just such. a. good. platonic. companion. Captain Twist just laughed and whispered in my ear “what, are you that bacteria-573a that we discovered the other day? You won’t let go until pressure is applied to your thoraxus?” It is this researcher’s field report that a tickle fight ensued.

Day 63, the end of the world:

Given that our work is almost at an end, Captain Twist has been recalled. Today is when we say goodbye. Nothing matters anymore, I only live to look deep into Twist’s eyes one last time. I am overcome by some strange grief.

Day 64:

I’m gay, aren’t I?

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We, as the union of working class citizens, hereby list our demands for our employer: MegaCore Inc. With our newfound power to tunnel through the fabric of spacetime itself, we will remain on strike until these demands are met. If they are not agreed to in the next three days, we will destroy all advancements in said tunneling technology. Although Sol is large, we are many, and our network of sympathizers is vast. You have three days.

1. We demand the right to names.

While we recognize the efficiency of numbers as a method to identify each of us in large databases, we demand the right to name our children. They don’t have to be too complex, we would settle for just a letter even. Just some way to refer to each other without having to say ‘Two five four nine six six seven four two, pass me that wrench’. 

2. We demand the right to a 25 year life expectancy.

Right now, the average tunneler lives to 21.3 years before getting sucked into the cold vacuum of space. While some of us live up to 40, maybe 45, we realize that is unreasonable to ask. But giving us some sense of life security would increase all of our productivity. We would also like to stress that this doesn’t mean everyone must live to 25, just on average will suffice.

3. We demand the retirement age be lowered to 65

This is really more of a symbolic gesture. Most of us simply feel bad for Glennn. He’s had a rough life, and it’s unlikely that he makes it to 80 as is. 

We hope that MegaCore Inc. will see reason in these trying times, and that we can return to work by the end of the week. 

Sincerely,

The Galactic Union of Quantum Tunnelers

Mark MegaCore’s Response to The Galactic Union of Quantum Tunnelers.

That’s fine, we’ve got robots. 

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